


Never Let This Go

by tabbytabbytabby



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Coda, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e15 Eddie Begins, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23877268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbytabbytabby/pseuds/tabbytabbytabby
Summary: Buck's hit with a realization when he sees his reaction to almost losing Eddie on TV.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 41
Kudos: 529





	Never Let This Go

**Author's Note:**

  * For [adamngoodbatch (sibbed)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sibbed/gifts).



> Based on [this post](https://adamngoodbuck.tumblr.com/post/616192341330558976/what-if-instead-of-eddie-seeing-bucks-reaction) on Tumblr, which inspired me and here we are.

Buck’s exhausted. His body tells him as much from the way it sags against the bed and his muscles ache. Any attempt at moving requires more strength than he has. He needs to sleep. He knows that. But his mind is too alert. He can’t seem to shut it off.

It’s not an uncommon thing after hard calls, and this one had been one of the hardest. It’s not every day he almost loses his best friend, even with the job they have. Buck’s usually always right beside him making sure he makes it out. That they both do.

Tonight he hadn’t been there, and Eddie almost hadn’t made it out. 

He pushes that thought aside. Going down that path isn’t going to help him get to sleep. He’s not sure what will.

He’s left alone in the silence of Eddie’s guest room, the only light coming from the glow of the TV he hasn’t been watching since he turned it on an hour ago. Eddie had left him with a tired smile and quick hug before turning to Christopher’s room. Buck doesn’t think he’s getting much sleep tonight either.

Buck’s eyes focus on the screen in front of him and he sighs when he sees a headline below where the anchor is talking. It’s a news report about the call tonight. Buck’s about to turn it off when the screen switches to a recording of what happened, and he stills. 

It’s not that he _wants_ to watch that horrifying moment when the crane crashed and his world along with it, but he can’t look away. He sees himself come on screen and tenses.

He can’t breathe suddenly as he watches himself dig and scream at the ground. He remembers trying to get to Eddie, but he’d been so in the moment, consumed by fear of losing him, that nothing else mattered. Seeing it play out is something else. His chest aches as he sees how desperate and panicked he looks, and then as he collapses back into Bobby’s arms and _sobs_.

Another instance comes to mind of where he’d felt that terrified and helpless as he’d screamed for Christopher. The fear in both those moments had been all consuming. It had clawed at him, threatening to drown him, more than any tsunami or rain ever could. 

He hits rewind on the remote and watches again and again, watching in awe as he falls apart on screen. He supposes it should be embarrassing to see himself crumble like that, knowing that he’s not the only one seeing this. That his love and devotion are exposed for everyone to see.

 _Love_.

The words loudly through his head, repeating itself over and over until it burrows in deep. He doesn’t know how it never hit him before. Maybe he just wasn’t ready, but now? Now that it’s there he’s never going to forget it. Not that he’d ever want to.

The feeling consumes him, drawing a fresh wave of tears to his eyes as he realizes what it means, and with that what he almost lost tonight. Not only his best friend. But _Eddie_. His Eddie. The man that he loves.

He throws his covers back and stumbles out of bed and to the door without even thinking about it. It doesn’t occur to him how late it is, or that Eddie might be sleeping, or that maybe he should wait until morning when his head isn’t a mess of emotions.

Now that he knows what he feels he can’t just sit on it. He doesn’t even have time to be afraid of how it could change things. How saying the words out loud should be big and scary.

He’s pushed by the need to see Eddie. To be sure he’s really safe in his room and not buried 40 feet underground.

He pushes the door open and looks inside. Eddie’s in bed, the covers pulled up to his chest, with his head resting back against the pillows. Two. He always sleeps with two pillows on the left side of the bed, usually facing the door so he’s ready if Christopher needs him.

But he’s on his back now, and there’s a tension in his body that lets Buck know he’s most likely not sleeping, despite his eyes being closed.

“Eddie.” Buck frowns at the sound of his voice. At how broken and raw it sounds.

Eddie’s eyes snap open and he turns to look at Buck, who’s still hesitating in the doorway. “Buck?” When Buck remains silent, unable to speak past the lump in his throat, Eddie frowns and sits up. “Buck, are you okay?”

“Am _I?_ ” Buck questions, a slightly hysterical laugh escaping him. He runs a hand down his face before turning to close the door. He doesn’t want to risk waking Christopher. Eddie is still watching him when Buck turns around. He moves towards the bed and sits on the edge, taking Eddie in. “I should be asking you that.”

“I’m fine,” Eddie assures him. “I’m alive and home.”

“You almost weren’t,” Buck whispers. He reaches out and tentatively touches Eddie’s face, marveling at how he closes his eyes and leans into the touch. “I almost lost you.”

“You didn’t,” Eddie replies, voice softening to match Buck’s. “You didn’t Buck. I’m here.”

“Eddie.” 

A sob escapes Buck’s throat and Eddie’s eyes fly open. He shifts, wrapping Buck up in his arms, his hands never seeming to settle as they move across his back and through his hair. “Evan, it’s okay. I’m okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Buck sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

“What on earth are you sorry for?”

“I should have been there with you.”

Eddie’s breath hitches audibly, his hands stilling for a few long seconds before resuming their movements. “If you had been _you_ could have died. And that… I wouldn't have been able to handle that. So I’m glad you weren’t down there with me, okay? Because knowing you were safe and that I had you to fight to get back to helped me to fight to get out of there.”

Buck pulls back, but only enough to look at him. “It did?”

Eddie smiles and wipes the tears from his cheeks. “It did.”

Buck leans in and presses a soft kiss to Eddie’s lips before pulling back again. Buck’s eyes move across Eddie’s face, uncertainty pulling in Buck’s gut. But then Eddie’s pulling him back in, their lips meeting in a slow, deep kiss. One that has tears stinging at Buck’s eyes for a different reason. 

“I love you,” he murmurs against Eddie’s lips. “I love you so much.”

Eddie smiles and presses their heads together. “I love you.”

Buck’s not sure how long they sit there before Eddie’s pulling back. Buck doesn’t have a chance to mourn the loss of contact before Eddie’s grabbing his hand and tugging until Buck gets the hint and lays down next to him. He easily settles himself into Eddie’s arms, taking comfort in the sound of Eddie’s heart beating steadily where his head is resting on his chest.

It’s a sign of life, of what he almost lost tonight, but also what he’s found with both Eddie and Christopher. _Love_. Buck knows he’s never going to let that go.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos/comments make my day 💜  
> [My tumblr](http://tabbytabbytabby.tumblr.com/)


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